Apparently, before my submission, no one had thought to add a simple "You suck! Just go away." summary-judgment tickbox, and they had to write it all out longhand. Doubtless they'll fix that now.
When I first read it, I could have sworn there was a note to the check-in coordinator, that went something like this:
Please assess the delusions of the author to determine whether or not he is a potential spree-shooter. I can't believe anyone who can spell the word manuscript would admit producing such drivel, much less submit it to other hominids for scrutiny. I would have quit reading after the 5th page if he hadn't forked over all that money for the full review. It's basically a waste of his time to think about authoring anything more complicated than a coffee order on a napkin, and a waste of our time to evaluate this offal-art. See if you can constructively suggest that he change genres to finger painting and/or limericks.
But apparently that's was auto-deleted while I reread the original, more hurtful bits.
I feel like kicking their pets until I feel better.